I found this in a fortune cookie at an engagement party i recently went to. Gasp! It knows my future! Everytime I am faced with a problem and start having the ‘why me??’ thoughts, I will always be reminded of what Christina Yang said once in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
“Everyone has problems. Deal with it.” That is, in fact, true. And I will feel slightly better for at least two minutes. It’s better than nothing anyway. I have always been a pretty optimistic person. I don’t believe in wallowing for too long. Time still ticks, and you’re only wasting your own time if you drown yourself in your sorrows. Live still moves on, and (based on my previous entry) it’s all temporary in this lifetime anyway. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ll all die sooner or later, so you see what I mean by temporary? I also like the positive sayings like ‘every cloud has a silver lining’, ‘everything happens for a greater reason’, you know, all that stuff. The problem is, those sayings only sound pretty when you hear it during your stress-free time. When you’re actually in a predicament, and you’re very upset, all you want to do is round-kick anyone who says those sayings to you. I am currently going through a rough patch, which is pretty normal for the rest of us, because we’ve all got our own ups and downs. Work, which is one of the things I rely heavily on to make my life more meaningful, is screwing me. My social life isn’t really prospering well either. I am pretty sure that one day I will look back at this and laugh, but for now, I am not exactly feeling jolly or upbeat about it. Right now I am thinking, ‘Why me? Why does it seem like everything awful is happening to me? And all at once, too.’ I have good friends who will hear me vent all day if I need to, but really what’s the point in that? I am responsible for my own problems. That being said, I am also responsible for my own happiness. I’ve realized that all of my downsides at the moment – work, life – are only occurring because I depend on other people for my own well-being. I depend on people at work to make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile. I depend on people in my social circle to make me feel like I am living a contempt life. You see, that’s the problem when you rely on people. You end up, for the most part, disappointed. This is because you fantasize that people will rescue you. When really, the truth is, people are just like you. They have limitations and boundaries. If you must rely on something, let it be two things and not more – God, and yourself. God, because let’s face it, without a belief system I would’ve probably jumped off a bridge many years ago. Yourself, because at certain points of your life, you’re the only one you can count on. Of course you’ll have your family, spouses, friends who will probably take a bullet for you (like the ones we see in TV dramas), but the thing to remember is that you are, first, foremost and most importantly, responsible for your own happiness. Everybody else is just joining in the celebration. Well, this sucks. I thought I’d feel better after writing this entry, but I sort of don’t. Haha. Doesn’t it always happen that every time something devastating happens to you, you’re left sitting there wondering, ‘Why me?’
Why do I have to be the one who loses my parents? Why do I have to be the one with a sick child? Why do I have to be the one who is born in a middle class family with never enough money to go to college? I am doing that right now. Currently I am going through a rough phase in my life, where something happened to me in a shocking manner that it left me scratching my head, wondering ‘Why me?’ I can’t tell you what it is, out of respect to other people, but I can say that I didn’t think in a million years this would happen to me. I have always been the kind of girl who lives the average happy life. I look at other people with their problems and thought to myself, ‘Nah, that would never be me. That would never happen to me.’ But here’s the thing about life. Everyone has their own problems. Never in a second should you underestimate other people, thinking that they have it easier than you. And never think that you are alone while going through your own devastation. When I talked to my friends about my devastation, I found that they all had stories of their own. They all have baggage. But we’re all nice people! Why do these things happen to us? We do good deeds and work hard and pray hard, but why do we still get horrible things happening to us? The answer is pretty simple, as I’ve figured out recently. It’s because life is a test. Life isn’t it. This isn’t IT. We don’t just exist here for no reason, die and become worm food. There’s a reason why life is temporary and doesn’t last forever. My faith system has always believed that, and I chanted those themes, but it’s only until I was hit with this wave of devastation that I began to question my own beliefs. But I am slowly realizing that this life right here? It’s just a series of test. Tests to see how far you believe in your own self, in your God, in the life after this one. Money, stuff, power…what does it all mean, in the end? A good friend told me this; God never gives you tests that He doesn’t know you can’t handle. I hold on to that. I mean, chances are God knows everything and I know nothing, really (as exhibited in the past. I make plans that didn’t work out, but things always turn out to be even better after that). I came across a few blog entries that really helped me go through the difficult times. The link is down here, hope it helps other people too. Ujian Itu Rahsia Allah S.W.T. Why God Gives Us Tests I am pretty fearless. Yeah I'm pretty confident about that.
Except I have a huge fear of people leaving. I worry that one day my parents will go. I can't imagine a life where my parents do not exist. It makes me sad to think that one day my sister will be married and be off with her new family. One day my brothers will be off with their own lives too, and I'll only see them a couple of times a year. Someday all your friends will slip away. One day a man you love might leave you. Death. Affairs. Breakups. It seems inevitable. One day your children will grow up and they'll leave too. People always leave. I believe in God and the life after and that we're all spiritual beings having a human journey. But some days, the fear still consumes me.When I was about ten I had this phase where I worried that one day my Mom will die and I will be alone in this world. That phase passed. But now I find myself sitting at the dinner table looking at everyone and thinking that I don't want anyone to ever leave. Ever. I wished my brothers never grew up. I wished I never dated too much so that I never said that many goodbyes. I watched Peter Pan and immediately related to the theme - the everlasting childhood where everything is perfect and nobody grows up and dies. Sure it makes me treasure moments more. It makes me appreciate every second talking to friends, every progress my brothers make as they get older, every joke my Dad makes. But somewhere inside I can't help but feel like it's also a tragedy. There's no way around it. Everyone leaves eventually. I guess it makes even more sense now that this life is temporary, and there has to be a better one after. If you don't have a strong faith in God this tragic life will eat you alive, and you'll be floating aimlessly wondering what's the whole point? Subhanallah. |
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