Babies Don't Float

Sometimes before I go to sleep I will randomly remember things I have done in the past that are so outrageous and I would cover my face with a pillow and wish I could punch those memories out of me. A worse case would be if I have pictures to remember them by. Like becoming my Mother’s fashion victim in the 90s, where she would dress me up in suspensions or a scarf with mismatched shorts, and how about those God-awful haircuts? I accidentally cut the tip of my sister’s finger off during a bicycle accident. I almost killed my baby brother because I was experimenting whether he would float if I place him in a filled bathtub. I ate weird seeds because my playground friends told me they were ‘magic fruits’. Then there was a phase where I thought I looked good dressing up like a boy throughout high school, and I let my Dad pick out my shirts. I strutted around with extra large shirts which I thought looked fly and flashed my horribly cut mom jeans.

And if that wasn’t enough, there’s the prom. Oh dear Lord the prom. I can’t believe I walked on stage in that Tarzan dress! I vividly remember that in that moment, I thought that the only way I could look even better was if I paired that dress that made me look like Tarzan’s wife with some blue and green eyeshadow, orange blusher and coral lipstick. And thick glasses. And sang some dodgy S club 7 song onstage. And my Dad thought I looked fabulous. God bless him.

Then there was college, where I did even more dumb things. My roommate and I decided to take pictures of ourselves posing around the house, with terrible hair braids and spotty makeup. We looked like the hippy chicks who got locked up in a makeup drawer. Then I went to field trips where we didn’t get to shower very much for weeks, so in all those pictures, I looked like I just got out of jail. I also spent money I didn’t have on a shirt that was also worn by Paris Hilton (what was I thinking? Who wants to dress like Paris Hilton??).  I went swimming in the sea at 3 in the morning, which my parents would’ve killed me if they ever find out. I stalked a guy because I thought that was the correct thing to do if I wanted to make him notice me.

When I tell these stories to my friends at the office, they are amused because they think that my life is filled with ‘Oh God Why’ moments. But the truth is, I think we all experience those things growing up. You either choose to embrace them and laugh them off or you could cover your own face with a pillow. Either way, it’s pretty important to know that if it weren’t for those things, you wouldn’t be the way you are now. At least for me, I now know that babies don’t float and you should probably try to not get fashion advice from your Dad who wears only brown-colored shirts.

My brother, center, who became the object of my 'floating baby experiment'.

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My mother's legendary suspenders in action.

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