Contrary to last year’s New Year’s Eve of friends, a rooftop balcony, KL fireworks and a throng of partygoers trashing the city centre streets, this year I spent my New Year’s Eve with my family, had hamburgers for dinner, and clocked out at 10 pm. I didn’t even get to harass people on Twitter about their New Year’s Resolutions before I passed out.
But no, last night wasn’t at all a summation of what 2017 had been. I would admit, 2017 started kind of shitty for me, but it began to climb uphill from there to become one of the most prominent years of my life (so far). In short, I really did underestimate 2017 before it began, and it ended up as the most wonderful blessing. But not without its own supply of challengers, heartaches and new things to learn, here are some highlights that I acquired throughout the whole year.
Maybe you can relate to some of them too!
1. When I got my book publishing contract
Hey remember that time when you won the lottery? This was so much better! On the day I received an email from MPH saying that they would like to offer a publishing contract for my manuscript, it all felt surreal to me that I took days to process this information. I was happy, nervous and frankly, scared. I didn’t know anyone else who was a writer, and I did not even intend to publish the manuscript when I first wrote it (I write a lot, but mostly for my own indulgence). It was very hard to keep this exciting news under wraps for months, and I told only one other person about this. I kept it a secret because of my own insecurities – what if it didn’t turn out as I expected it? What if it all turns into a massive disaster?
2. When I became a NST columnist
I know we all envision Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City when we think about the phrase ‘newspaper columnist writing about relationships’, but I’ll have you know that I don’t own a single pair of Manolo Blahniks. Nor have I dated 50 guys like she has. On the first day my first column came out, I went to buy my first newspaper in I don’t know, ten years? Writing for New Straits Times was a huge career milestone for me, as I knew it was my first big writing profile. Before this I had only published in my blog, but writing for a paper requires a certain finesse on content, opinion projection and message. My first column came out in February, and we are still going bi-weekly strong today!
3. When I saw Coldplay in concert
Yes, I know for some people this is probably nothing. But my goodness, Coldplay! There’s a backstory to this. When I was in college I used to listen to them almost everyday (and I still do). I memorize almost 100% of all lyrics of all of their songs. On my final year in college, Coldplay was having a concert in Perth near where I lived at the time, and I badly wanted to go. Unfortunately I was a broke student (even with 2 part-time jobs, mind you), and I couldn’t afford the tickets. Finally seeing Chris Martin playing a Martin D28 guitar live actually was part of my bucket list, and any year where I get to tick off something from the list is a good year for me!
4. When I realised that dreams have a price
People tell you this all the time, but it isn’t until you actually experience it that you’ll know what it really means. Along the year I found myself multitasking most of the time – I had a busy full time office job, and at the same time I was editing my book, writing for my NST column, making sure the blog isn’t first-wifed, and I was also writing the second manuscript. As a consequence there was a period where I did not have a single vacant weekend for 2 months straight, and I did not manage to see my family or socialise as much as I would like to. But despite the craziness, there was the strange self-indulgence in spending time doing something you really love, so there wasn’t any complaining either. I suppose the lesson here is everything has a price, including and especially, dreams.
5. When I got a new nephew
Nope, I still feel the same way about kids in general, if you’re thinking that having nephews have turned me into a motherly Mama Bear. But I can proudly say that I can now hold a baby in a safe, HSE-adherent way without having panic attacks.
As long as they don’t pee, poo, barf, snot, salivate, or make any general screaming noise.
6. When I turned the big 3-0
Newsflash: When they told you that turning 30 is dreadful, they are LYING. Turning 30 is the best thing ever!
To be honest, when 2017 began and I realised my 30th birthday was approaching, all those social context of fearing ageing really got to me. I didn’t feel like I was ready to be a full adult yet! Okay, I still don’t think I’m ready, but the good news is this time of life is a great place to be. Personally, I have never felt better in my own skin or happier with my own body than today. I think this self-assurance projects itself in how I perceive my worth, my relationships and how I carry myself compared to when I was, say, 22. You tend to care less about what others think and more about your own happiness and creating the life you want to live, and it is the best feeling ever, truly.
Everyone ages, but not everyone ages well. Be conscious of how you experience your years and how you use it to benefit you.
7. When I went underwater at my own backyard
As a birthday gift to myself, my bestie and I went for an almost a week diving at Sipadan, Malaysia. Hailed as one of the most beautiful diving sites in the world, I shamefully admit that I had never visited it once even when it’s in my own country. It was everything I hoped it would be, and I came back darker and happier.
It was also my last hurrah with M before she got married. And to note, M getting married was also a highlight of my year. I was so absolutely happy for her. It was also one of those rare occasions when I didn’t hate weddings.
8. When my book launched, and all the reactions that followed it
You’d think it was all excitement and a big hurrah, but prior to the launch of the book I experienced one of my most intense bout of anxiety. Fully aware that people can be mean, the public can be judgemental and that dreams can crash in failure, I was so afraid that something that means this much to me can or will backfire. After all, literature is a form of art, and like other art, I know for a fact that it will not please everybody. There was always that fear that something you love might not be good enough, and this haunted me for months.
But so far, the reception for the book has really exceeded any of my wildest dreams for it. Last month it became the National Bestseller, and to this day I still feel that it was surreal and mind boggling – what?? (slaps own face)
Furthermore, looking at all the feedback and pictures of people enjoying the book on social media has made me feel so overwhelmed with joy. There was a girl who wrote to me and said that the book helped her healing process through some of her own hard times, and I thought that was just pure magical. It has somehow, unintentionally or otherwise, allowed a stranger help another stranger. That truly meant more to me than any best-selling list.
I guess what I learned throughout this entire process is that if you have a dream, however small or extravagant, go after it for yourself, not for anything or anyone else. That way, however it turns out, the satisfaction will always be in the journey rather than the material targets of it.
9. When I took charge of my own health
It’s not easy at first, folks. Not when a lot of people around you are eating and drinking junk nobody really needs. But I’ve learned a few tricks this year that might be helpful; 1. Eat meals with people who also eat healthily, so you’re not tempted 2. Chill with the change. Don’t drastically try becoming a vegan or starving yourself, because dude that will never work ever 3. For God’s sake, EXERCISE. Find something you enjoy and find friends who enjoy it too! Your body is built to move, not slouched on a couch watching Stranger Things. You’re not 20 anymore and you won’t get away with that for very long.
10. When I learned what it takes to have a gratified heart
Oh, 2017. You broke my heart and then you built it up again, bigger than I ever thought possible. I have struggled to find the fine line between not giving up and learning to let go. Because I had always been somewhat attached to the philosophy that you just don’t quit on something that means immensely to you, this sometimes makes me too stubborn and too hopeful.
This year is a big year for my heart too. I learned that when it comes to matters of the heart, you should always do everything wholeheartedly, and love to the best of your ability. Don’t be too obliged by your ego and especially fear. Be fearless when it comes to the matters of the heart. So that whichever way it turns out, you’ll always find it easier to find peace and acceptance, and you’ll never have any regrets. Regret is one of the most painful things you’ll have to endure, if you’re not careful.
To be honest, after all that racket, I’m all set and ready to venture into 2018! What does your 2018 plan look like? I’m looking at a year of a lot of traveling, fitness, working hard and even more laughs. Lots and lots of laughs.
Happy New Year and I hope we all find what we’re looking for. And more.
The blunt truth is, as much as we try, sometimes in life shit will hit the fan so hard and it becomes almost impossible to remain optimistic. In whatever form it may present itself, be it a failure in ambition, the retreat of a relationship, the diminishing of a dream, or even simply one of those days where nothing is going quite right, there are moments when no amount of life quotes can make you feel any better.
Although feeling down and out is inevitable at times, there are certainly things that we could do to self-help ourselves in healthily moving past it or see things in a more constructive light. Instead of sending ourselves to the insane asylum or popping a Valium or worse, crying at a corner of the room naked while hugging our knees (I’ve never done this, I swear), here are some things that we can do instead to entice some positivity back into our lives.
List is established through my personal experiences, and from others around me.
It doesn’t matter where you go, really. It could be someplace far, a weekend at the beach or even just balik kampung. The point is to get out of your usual routines, because routines have a profound ability to remind us of the unfortunate event, which usually occurs while we are living our normal day-to-day lives. Being someplace new, witnessing the larger beautiful world or looking at other people living different lives than ours is a good distraction from a temporary hurdle (newsflash: all hurdles are temporary. All.)
2. Do Charity
We’re a bunch of whiners. We really are. When bad news occur we tend to hone in onto them and forget about all the other good things that we still have in our lives. Being physically involved in charity shifts our eyes to see others who are not as ‘privileged’ than us in many sense of the word. Going to the homeless shelter, for example, lets us see people who could only dream about having even a portion of the good fortunes we already own. I find that doing this will immediately shut me up from whining like an ungrateful twat, and helps me to look past my mostly mundane life problems.
3. Seek to Understand or be Understood
In a recent post, I mentioned how every single person has a reason for being who they are. There are things that happened to us that shape us. Understanding people and why they could’ve done the things they did can significantly reduce ill thoughts and expedite love and forgiveness. It is hard to hate or be angry at things we understand, and vice versa. At the same time, good things can come from letting yourself be understood by others. Talking to someone who might understand how you feel is an amazing remedy. It is wonderful to be loved, but it is profound to be understood.
4. Start the Day Off Positively
I once read in a self-help book that much of what happens during the day is significantly affected by how be begin it. There is truth to why the happiest people in the world begin the day doing something positive – some people find early enlightenment through meditating, reading, praying, Yoga, or even just having a quiet moment with their own thoughts before venturing into other things for the rest of the day. It’s worth discovering what your own happy wake up routine is and investing a little time in them in the morning.
5. Find Humour
Did you ever realise that most of your happiest relationships have a lot of humour in them? My family have a thing we like to do whenever we are going through a rough patch. We sit around together, whether it’s in a car, at the dinner table or just watching TV, and we joke around and have a good laugh. There is always humour in everything. Always. No matter the differences, the tension or strain life challenges can cause, having a bit of humour with it will a make a world of difference in our emotional state.
There is no such thing as smiling too much. In fact, we don’t smile enough. It’s the whole ‘fake it till you make it’ notion. Smiling attracts positivity. The best part is, smiling is actually the easiest way to positively contribute to society. Just a small act can make a stranger’s life better. One time, I was chatting to a waitress and she told me how sometimes, after long hours of hard work at a minimum wage, the only thing that makes her day were customers who smiled at her and acknowledged her as a person. I’ve never forgotten to smile and my serving waiter/waitress ever since.
7. Latch Onto Positive Things/People
For God’s sake, if you find something or someone who gives your soul positive happiness, hold on to them. Sometimes, they are the only few things that could help us cope with bad times. If there is someone in your life who’s positive and has the ability to elevate you, keep them. If there is a hobby, passion, or even a favourite TV sitcom that can make you smile, indulge in them. Encounters with people or a new discovery in life are never without reason, and best believe that some of them were meant to pop into our lives to make our days much, much better.
This year has been by far the most difficult year for me personally. And by difficult, I don’t mean the ‘I’ve gained a few pounds’, or ‘I had a few bad dates’, or even ‘I didn’t manage to achieve my savings goal’ type of difficult. 2015 feels like a long year of being dragged slowly through a dwindling road of never ending challenges from relationships, family and work. My Father was ill for the first half of the year, I called it quits with someone that was very dear to me, I was uncertain at work, and recently was stumped by some depressing personal news that superseded everything else that happened this year.
It is not easy to make sense of it all when you’re in the bubble of hardships. It certainly doesn’t help when you scroll down social media and it seems like the rest of your friends are living a ‘perfect’ life, albeit knowing the fact that they are all fantasies, a subconscious effort of our minds to only post wonderful things online to make it seem like our lives are perfect. Friend X keeps showing off her perfect little family, but perhaps she is exhausted as hell. Friend Y is posting photos of travel adventures, but maybe it’s a substitute for feeling a bit lost in his real world. Friend Z seems like she’s climbing a fast ladder in her career, but it could be at a price of her personal time that she can never get back. It’s not a crime. Almost everybody does it. Everybody yearns to live a problem-free life, which in turn inspires the stint of only sharing the good things with the world. Alas, none of us have it all. Everyone has challenges, in different altitudes and different ways.
Episodes of downfall in life can sometimes cause such a thick haze that it becomes almost impossible to look beyond it. Personally I always end up feeling withdrawn from people, and all I want to do is to buy ten gallons of Jamaican Almond Fudge ice cream and go live in a cave for two weeks. Some people will try to be helpful and tell you all the generic advice you’ll ever hear, but these will sound void and meaningless. Religious faith can be a great assistance, but if you’re human like me, sometimes it is such a struggle to collide your emotions and religious logic. Furthermore, sadness, disappointments and loss are such resilient, resilient villains. They lurk in the shadows, refusing to go away too easily.
Downfalls make you grow. It is impossible to learn anything if you’re constantly on top of the world, the euphoria of good times shielding you from any form of self-growth. The harder the downfall, the more we are forced to look at our lives from a different perspective. For me, downfalls make me humble. They make me man up to the hard truths of life. When my Father was sick I was forced to prepare myself for a life without parents. If it doesn’t happen today, it will happen someday. When I was broken hearted, it made me re-evaluate the definition of love against the fantasies of it. In the wake of other news in my family, I was taught the price not thinking about your loved ones when making life decisions.
Downfalls, at the core of it, are what realigns our focus on what life and living are really about. Loving our family despite their flaws. Falling on your face when it comes to love a few times, so that when you meet a good one, you’ll know it. Understanding that life isn’t just about being happy all the time, but it’s about those accumulation of moments, both good and bad, that makes it a complex, rich and wondrous overall experience. There is no point being too bummed out about anything in this lifetime, because in case you haven’t noticed, whether we choose to live it with utter contentment or not, none of us are getting out of here alive anyway. So if you ask me, it’s a pretty obvious choice how we should conduct it.
So to answer the guy’s mother’s question; what am I waiting for?
Truth be told, I don’t think I am waiting around for anything really. I am just merely moving forward with my life with a profound trust that everything will happen the way it is supposed to be. Do I want to grow up and grow old with someone someday? Of course. John Mayer once sang that ‘it is such a waste to grow up lonely’. And I agree. It seems that he too faces the same predicament. But am I going to sit around and deem my life incomplete until that happens? What a preposterous way to live. Every second in your life is invaluable, whether it's with or without someone.
The mistake that most of us make is trying to prove that we’re happy to other people. Trust me, I myself have done that a few times in the past. Especially if you’re single, you tend to feel the need to prove to others that you are just fine. And you can see enough of this on social media. The hashtags ‘#idontneedaman’, ‘#singleandhappy’ or ‘#independantwoman’ are pretty appalling if you ask me. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for being your own woman and such. But having to shout it out aloud just proves how unconvinced you are yourself towards the whole concept.
It is observable that be content with life, you must first and foremost forget about trying to prove people wrong. I used to think about what people might think of me as I hauled a ten-foot mirror out of IKEA alone while everyone else seemed to be helped out by their own respective partners. I also cringed when I wondered how I must seem walking into of the movies alone at the theatre near my house. The truth was, I actually enjoyed doing these things alone, and yet worrying about how I might be perceived always ruins it. One day there might be a time when I can no longer afford a lot of time by myself, so I intend to enjoy it as much as possible. On a different perspective, if I am destined to have to do a lot of things on my own for the most part of my life, it is even more essential to learn to like my own company. I am proud of the fact that I am independent, that I know how plumbing works and what to ask my electrician, how to pay my bills and when to check my car. My parents raised me to be self-sufficient. A man should be cherished for his companionship in life, not so that he could solve all my problems. If I had found someone too soon in my life, perhaps I would have never learned all these valuable lessons. Mind you, I could easily recall a few married girlfriends who would sooner know nothing than what to do in an event where the water tap bursts.
But of course, as human beings go, there are times when I went to panic mode. There was a scene in ‘Sex and the City’ where Miranda, one of the main characters of the show who was single at the time, choked on her own food while alone in her apartment. She revived herself, but then went on a paranoid rant on how she would probably end up dead, alone in her apartment while her cat eats her dead face. I have those panicky moments too. As a precaution I have learned to eat slowly and carefully. I also don't own a cat. On the contrary, I once heard a friend say that she has not had time alone to think for a year, with three children and a husband. So you see, it is perfectly normal to want things from the other side where the grass always seem greener.
One day, I was trying to put together a table that I bought from IKEA. I had never assembled a furniture by myself before. As I was sweating profusely while managing the little tools my Dad got me in a toolbox, a thought suddenly occurred that it would have been so nice to have someone to help me with it. But there wasn't anyone. My parents lived miles away, my friends were unavailable and I was not seeing anyone special at the time. I sat on the floor and stared at the pile of wood panels, feeling sorry for myself. I even aborted my construction for a couple of hours. Eventually I got over it and carried on. It turned out to be one of those prominent moments in my life, looking at the fine desk I have assembled all on my own. It was a validation I needed that I was adequate. As much as I look forward to what may happen, I was just as happy with everything in my life so far. And for me, that is the essence one should ever need to keep in mind to ensure you enjoy your life being single.
A while after the failed matchmaking attempt, the mother of the guy whom I was set up with called me one fateful Saturday morning. She was a nice lady, but she demanded to know what was wrong with her son, and why I did not want to give it a shot. (Insider Tip: Never answer this question. It is a trap and will get you into bigger trouble)
After I wiggled my way out of answering this, she then proceeded to ask me how old I was. I told her I was turning 28. “You’re already 28,” she said. “What else are you waiting for?”
I laughed. But her question haunted me for days. What else am I waiting for?
Sometimes I find myself walking up to the doorstep of my apartment, particularly after meeting someone on a date, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong. I love dating and meeting new people. Humans are fascinating. Knowing them at a better depth, discovering their vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams is such a wonderful experience that makes my life so colourful. I love the getting-to-know-you phase, twinkles in the eye and the butterflies. In fact, some of the bigger lessons I have ever learned about life are through knowing someone else. But of course there are times when I end up at my doorstep in the quiet, wondering how many more times.
But then I open the door to my house and find myself strangely happy. There are the rows and boxes of my books that I spend hours reading at my own time. There is the kitchen bar where I would sit and have quiet morning breakfasts, one of my most favourite parts of life. There are picture frames showing the places I have been to and the world I have seen. I love my family. I love my friends. Contrary to popular belief, being single does not mean you spend your days feeling lonely. In fact, I seldom have enough idleness wallowing about what is not my life. I have a wonderful supportive family and a great group of friends who are always there for me despite their own busy lives. All my time is mine. Everything I own are truly mine. And I love it.
By my own standards, I am perfectly contempt where I am. But slowly, there will be these seeps of thoughts that spawn from someone else, telling you this is not enough. There will be two types of people who are interested in your life as a singleton. The first type are those who genuinely care for you and want for you to happy. The second type are those who are just interested to hear your stories of singlehood for their own amusement. The latter will immediately assign a term of reference made of their pre-assumptions about you. Lonely. Feminist. Desperate. Choosy. Trying too hard. Not trying hard enough. That small portion of what they know about you will be the backbone of what they think you are solely about. With time, I have identified these types and no longer tell them anything. They do not deserve to share my vulnerability.
A few days ago I attended an ‘Aqiqah’ (a small get-together to introduce a newborn baby) of a good friend of mine for her first born. Her baby was a precious one, and I was so happy to see her finally being a mother, something she has always wanted to do. But there I was sitting there, secretly grateful that I’m not a mother to anyone today. I always thought I never wanted to get married. I will live a free life and see the world and do whatever I like. But then I turned 27 and changed my mind. Similarly, I’ve never thought of myself as mother. But then, who knows what the future looks like? What I have come to learn is that we always think we know what we want, but our visions of our lives are so fluid and could change in an instant. In that spirit, it suffices to have faith that The Superior always knows exactly what we need and when. And everything will happen at a perfect timing. No more, no less.
In the wake of my father’s recent triple bypass surgery, I was surprised to find that it brought a myriad of wonderment. One was while I was torturously waiting for his surgery to end, sitting in the waiting area of the ICU, the cold metal chairs doing nothing to comfort me. At a desperate attempt to distract myself from the 5-hour wait, I started eavesdropping to other people’s conversations, those who were sitting around me also waiting for their loved ones.
There was an elderly lady, sat on a wheelchair and chatting up to another stranger. She told the stranger that she was waiting for her husband, who was in a critical condition following a recently diagnosed lung-cancer. She had been sitting there for the past few days. She didn’t want to leave in case her husband needed her. She was 70-something years old. They had been happily married since she was 16.
Is there such a thing as a happy marriage that could last that long?
My personal answer to that is hugely dependant on what is happening around me at that point of time. At this phase of my lives, I am cornered by a variety of stories from a variety of married people I know – family, friends and colleagues. Gone were the days where my newlywed friends were thoroughly excited with the prospect of just gotten married. There are less selfies wish the hashtag "#happycouple" (Thank God). They are now phasing out of the honeymoon years, and with that came the hard slap of reality.
Some were starting to realise that it takes a lot more work than they anticipated.
Some were even more sadly, ending in divorce.
Some were just downright unhappy, but is probably going to settle for just that for a very long time.
But then there are also the ones with a pretty great thing going on. For some friends I know, getting married seemed like the best thing they could've ever done for themselves. My parents, for example, have been married from almost 30 years and I don’t think they could live a day without each other. And how about this elderly lady in her wheelchair in the ICU?
Unfortunately for me, what supersedes my fear of being alone is my fear of being in an unhappy marriage. It is therefore that I often ask myself – is it worth the trouble of risking it to see if such a thing as a long, happy marriage does exist?
Eventually, as I concluded my thoughts about it, I figured that the answer might be this; like everything else in life, anything is possible. A good long marriage is possible, and a bad long marriage is also possible. And like everything else in life, the resultant is highly dependent on our actions towards it. Perhaps all we need to find is a little bit of faith and little bit more bravery.
There is a vase that I have. I place it on a table by the window. It’s the sunniest spot around the house, where rays of sunlight will always come piercing through the curtains and sometimes a light breeze will blow by. The vase is obviously something precious to me, and although I knew that the table by the window is not exactly the safest place to put it, I want it to have the benefit of the doubt. I want the vase to experience everything – sunny days, windy days, rain, rainbows, sunsets and sunrise.
Some days, more often than I would prefer, a slightly strong breeze would come over and knock the vase down. It stays on the table, and I could easily arrange it back nicely. Most of the time it stays unharmed, with maybe a slight chip here and there if it was knocked down pretty hard. I could deal with that. These tiny chips are hardly noticeable. If you look at it carefully you might see it, and it’s a good reminder that the table might not be as safe as you thought it would be.
But on the very, very rare occasions, a storm would come by. It usually comes right after a sunny day, which makes me unaware and unable to move the vase before something happens to it. The wind would come so strong and so cold, that it would literally make the vase fly across the room, and smash into pieces on the floor. At this point I would go sweep the pieces up, of course. Then I would attempt to glue it back together. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes weeks, and sometimes if it’s particularly tricky to assemble it’ll take a whole year.
Then comes the question – how many times can a vase break until it couldn’t be put back together any more? So far I’ve succeeded in doing so. It has glue and breaking marks on it, but it still looks like a whole vase. But I fear that eventually, if the storm keeps coming and it keeps getting rolled off the table and smashed on the floor, the day might come when only a miracle could make it into a vase exactly as how I’ve first had it.
Sometimes I have the right mind to finally get it off the table by the window, and place it in the closet instead. That way it’ll never be knocked over again. That way it will always stay as it is. But then I’ll think about those sunny days that have happened. When the day is just right and you could sit by the balcony and enjoy it. There’ll be a dark cloud now and then, sure, but then they will pass and the day becomes over all, lovely. Flowers would be put in the vase. It will sit there, on the table, soaking up the day and the life it brings. Remembering these things makes me not want to put it in the closet at all. It keeps making me put the vase back on that table, because I don’t want to let it miss out on these wonderful days, ones that made those bad weather forgotten.
Dude, come on. You didn’t think I’d be THAT boring to put up a blog about an actual vase, did you? ;-)
I found this in a fortune cookie at an engagement party i recently went to. Gasp! It knows my future!
Everytime I am faced with a problem and start having the ‘why me??’ thoughts, I will always be reminded of what Christina Yang said once in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
“Everyone has problems. Deal with it.”
That is, in fact, true. And I will feel slightly better for at least two minutes. It’s better than nothing anyway. I have always been a pretty optimistic person. I don’t believe in wallowing for too long. Time still ticks, and you’re only wasting your own time if you drown yourself in your sorrows. Live still moves on, and (based on my previous entry) it’s all temporary in this lifetime anyway. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ll all die sooner or later, so you see what I mean by temporary? I also like the positive sayings like ‘every cloud has a silver lining’, ‘everything happens for a greater reason’, you know, all that stuff.
The problem is, those sayings only sound pretty when you hear it during your stress-free time. When you’re actually in a predicament, and you’re very upset, all you want to do is round-kick anyone who says those sayings to you.
I am currently going through a rough patch, which is pretty normal for the rest of us, because we’ve all got our own ups and downs. Work, which is one of the things I rely heavily on to make my life more meaningful, is screwing me. My social life isn’t really prospering well either. I am pretty sure that one day I will look back at this and laugh, but for now, I am not exactly feeling jolly or upbeat about it. Right now I am thinking, ‘Why me? Why does it seem like everything awful is happening to me? And all at once, too.’ I have good friends who will hear me vent all day if I need to, but really what’s the point in that? I am responsible for my own problems. That being said, I am also responsible for my own happiness.
I’ve realized that all of my downsides at the moment – work, life – are only occurring because I depend on other people for my own well-being. I depend on people at work to make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile. I depend on people in my social circle to make me feel like I am living a contempt life. You see, that’s the problem when you rely on people. You end up, for the most part, disappointed. This is because you fantasize that people will rescue you. When really, the truth is, people are just like you. They have limitations and boundaries. If you must rely on something, let it be two things and not more – God, and yourself. God, because let’s face it, without a belief system I would’ve probably jumped off a bridge many years ago. Yourself, because at certain points of your life, you’re the only one you can count on. Of course you’ll have your family, spouses, friends who will probably take a bullet for you (like the ones we see in TV dramas), but the thing to remember is that you are, first, foremost and most importantly, responsible for your own happiness. Everybody else is just joining in the celebration.
Well, this sucks. I thought I’d feel better after writing this entry, but I sort of don’t. Haha.
Doesn’t it always happen that every time something devastating happens to you, you’re left sitting there wondering, ‘Why me?’
Why do I have to be the one who loses my parents?
Why do I have to be the one with a sick child?
Why do I have to be the one who is born in a middle class family with never enough money to go to college?
I am doing that right now. Currently I am going through a rough phase in my life, where something happened to me in a shocking manner that it left me scratching my head, wondering ‘Why me?’ I can’t tell you what it is, out of respect to other people, but I can say that I didn’t think in a million years this would happen to me. I have always been the kind of girl who lives the average happy life. I look at other people with their problems and thought to myself, ‘Nah, that would never be me. That would never happen to me.’
But here’s the thing about life. Everyone has their own problems. Never in a second should you underestimate other people, thinking that they have it easier than you. And never think that you are alone while going through your own devastation. When I talked to my friends about my devastation, I found that they all had stories of their own. They all have baggage.
But we’re all nice people! Why do these things happen to us? We do good deeds and work hard and pray hard, but why do we still get horrible things happening to us? The answer is pretty simple, as I’ve figured out recently. It’s because life is a test.
Life isn’t it. This isn’t IT. We don’t just exist here for no reason, die and become worm food. There’s a reason why life is temporary and doesn’t last forever. My faith system has always believed that, and I chanted those themes, but it’s only until I was hit with this wave of devastation that I began to question my own beliefs. But I am slowly realizing that this life right here? It’s just a series of test. Tests to see how far you believe in your own self, in your God, in the life after this one. Money, stuff, power…what does it all mean, in the end?
A good friend told me this; God never gives you tests that He doesn’t know you can’t handle. I hold on to that. I mean, chances are God knows everything and I know nothing, really (as exhibited in the past. I make plans that didn’t work out, but things always turn out to be even better after that). I came across a few blog entries that really helped me go through the difficult times. The link is down here, hope it helps other people too.
Ujian Itu Rahsia Allah S.W.T.
Why God Gives Us Tests
I am pretty fearless. Yeah I'm pretty confident about that.
Except I have a huge fear of people leaving.
I worry that one day my parents will go. I can't imagine a life where my parents do not exist.
It makes me sad to think that one day my sister will be married and be off with her new family.
One day my brothers will be off with their own lives too, and I'll only see them a couple of times a year.
Someday all your friends will slip away.
One day a man you love might leave you. Death. Affairs. Breakups. It seems inevitable.
One day your children will grow up and they'll leave too.
People always leave.
I believe in God and the life after and that we're all spiritual beings having a human journey. But some days, the fear still consumes me.When I was about ten I had this phase where I worried that one day my Mom will die and I will be alone in this world. That phase passed. But now I find myself sitting at the dinner table looking at everyone and thinking that I don't want anyone to ever leave. Ever. I wished my brothers never grew up. I wished I never dated too much so that I never said that many goodbyes. I watched Peter Pan and immediately related to the theme - the everlasting childhood where everything is perfect and nobody grows up and dies.
Sure it makes me treasure moments more. It makes me appreciate every second talking to friends, every progress my brothers make as they get older, every joke my Dad makes. But somewhere inside I can't help but feel like it's also a tragedy. There's no way around it. Everyone leaves eventually.
I guess it makes even more sense now that this life is temporary, and there has to be a better one after. If you don't have a strong faith in God this tragic life will eat you alive, and you'll be floating aimlessly wondering what's the whole point?