Haven't we all been this guy. Except maybe without the fancy painting. Lol. I have a friend who just broke up.
Well. Haven’t we all been there. But here’s what’s interesting; pretty much all of us have been there, but none of us can tell other people exactly how to go through it. It is a deep, dark hole, and how deep the hole is will depend on how strongly we felt about that significant other. If it was just a few dates that didn’t turn out well, maybe a weekend watching Friends will do. If it involves the guy, well draw down the curtains and alert Oprah. It’s going to be a long, winding road of emotional rehab. I did some research on the stages of grief. There are five, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I tried applying this concept to my previous experiences, and they fit like a puzzle. Denial – I would associate this as the feeling of shock. Especially if you’re the one getting dumped. It doesn’t last very long, but most of the people I know exhibited the same symptoms; they would feel nothing, and try a lot of things to make it still work. But alas, like a really worn out car, sometimes it just can’t be fixed. Anger – Now this I can vividly recall. You can be the happiest person on the planet, but this phase will make you want to punch a baby. You’re angry at yourself for being a fool, you’re angry at the person who hurt you, and this is the time where people who give generic useless advice like ‘It’s going to be okay’ or ‘It’s all for the best’ makes you envision getting on a truck and running them over to death. I find that this part of recovery makes me the most irrational. I would be resentful with pretty much everything. Other happy people. That homeless guy who’s been sitting around the train station for years, but today it bothers you. Your boss who are nice are just too nice that you want to strangle him. That clock is ticking and oh my God why is it so loud that’s just annoying as shit. Bargaining – Strange hobbies or a change of lifestyle will surface, all in the spirit of compensating for what is lost. The brain doesn’t want to think about the sadness so it finds other ways to cope. I have a friend who took a month off work and traveled. Escapism is not a solution to life’s problems, but for this part of recovery it will do. I once picked up art and painting. I bought a sketch book, crayons and paint. I drew a single picture of a horse, which ended up looking like a mutated cow, and never touched it again. Once this phase passes, the revolting hobbies go with it too. Depression – This part requires only one word. Sadness. It is the pit of that deep dark hole. It isn’t a continuous feeling. Rather, it comes in waves. Some days you hardly ever think about it. Other days, you find yourself sitting there for hours and thinking about the past, why things happen the way they do and the what could’ve been-s. At this checkpoint, you can have the most amazing support system and still feel completely alone. I understand that in life, bad things happen and one day you’ll look back and this might even be amusing. I think most of us are rational enough to know that. But at this point, sometimes even the best of words can’t pick you up. It’s a sad part of your life, and you’re allowed to be. Acceptance – In a cartoon, this is where the light shone from the sky right onto your forehead. If you have a strong spiritual belief, you’ll get to this part quicker than others. Acceptance comes in many forms. Some people find that one day, they woke up in the morning and realized that they haven’t thought about it for weeks. Some of us would now want to give ourselves another go at it. The rest of us would accidentally meet that person in the middle of the road, and this time, we don’t feel like fainting/hiding behind the person walking in front/turning around and use the long way instead/having a cardiac arrest. Congratulations. You have climbed and crawled out of that hole, bruised and battered, but still in one piece. So you see, the process is the same for everyone, but the ways of going through it is never the same. Billions of people before you have gone through it, and you’d think there should be a really good manual out there somewhere by now. But nope, there isn’t. I wouldn’t say fairytales are completely lies. Yes, the part where all the princesses are always nice and pretty is a myth, of course. The scene where the evil witch is old and hideous is absolutely horrendous too (in real life, they can actually look like Megan Fox). But the part where the knight comes in and rescues the girl… well that’s absurd too, but I’ll have to say the concept is not too far off.
I saw an episode of Desperate Housewives and Susan Mayer said that “It is in a woman’s DNA to fall in love with guys who rescue us”. And she’s right. Women love being rescued. I learned this from my Mother, my sister, my girlfriends, and myself. Being ‘saved’, however, means differently to different people. A girl from a poor background feels ‘saved’ by a man with financial security. A girl from a broken family feels ‘saved’ by a man with emotional stability. A girl who’s just drifting about feels ‘saved’ by finding a man who has his feet firmly on the ground. We all want to be saved in a number of different ways. I had a friend who came from a broken home, went through a rough childhood and grew up to become a resentful woman. One day she met a guy who had the same difficult upbringing, and through time she said he saved her. You see, being rescued does not necessarily have to be done by a superior hero with the power to fix everything. In fact, it is a common mistake we girls like to make, so says my Mother. I noticed the truth of this as I went through the motions myself. Being saved can be as simple as meeting someone who seems to be figuring out things too, as you are. The knowledge of someone else who is in your shoes can sometimes feel like a great rescue. It signals that I am not alone in wandering about things and not always knowing what I’m doing. And being shown that you are not alone in this big scary world – is perhaps the most heroic gesture anyone can do. And it certainly beats the whole here-I-am-on-a-horse-with-a-giant-sword thing. That’s just too old school for me. The feeling of rejection is indescribable. Nobody likes it, not even George Clooney, so he dumps everyone before they even have the chance to do that to him. Being rejected feels like someone just came over and slapped your face with a trout, kicked you down the stairs into cow poop, pointed and laughed at you. With everybody else watching.
Rejection comes in many ways. Through a polite decline, a let down after a few dates, or a giant heart break after years and years of relationships. These are the small bricks that make a wall, and the wall has a name. It’s called the Fear of Getting Screwed Over. The Fear of Getting Screwed Over often becomes the only sole reason on why we will never take a leap of faith. Movies make it seem so simple. By the end of the plot, everything is said and done. Feelings are confessed at the airport or train station and they all live happily ever after. Sadly, in real life, The Fear of Getting Screwed Over will overwhelm us so badly that we end up never saying how we really feel, and as a result we let it marinate inside us until one day, it was time to move on. Did the Fear of Getting Screwed Over get to me? I’m sure it did, as for the most of us. I realized this as I find myself hesitating a lot nowadays, whereas years ago, when I was fresh into this crazy whirlpool of the relationship world, I was very keen on taking chances. Sometimes, even watching other people get screwed over is enough to create that fear in you. Guys I know tell me that the Fear of Getting Screwed Over scratches the ego pretty deep. Women I know would tell me that the Fear of Getting Screwed Over kills the bravery of ever making a move (and I would agree). Most of us have no problems encouraging other people to go on, but when it comes to our own selves, we chicken out. Come to think of it, like anything else in life, sometimes the only thing that’s standing between us and what we want is our own selves. We are what we have to beat. I went for brunch with a girlfriend and three other guy friends. We ended up comparing the differences between the male and female species when it comes to handling breakups.
Female: Be sad, talk about the problem to another girl, and then another girl, and another, and another, until the whole entire female kingdom would’ve heard about it. Lunch hours will be an intimate discussion ‘The View’ style. Talk about the subject to its death. All girls will take your side and hate they guy. In fact, if they can, they would like to put him on a stake and burn him, or maybe drag him around the city by a horse. Because somehow, the whole female species can feel the rage for him. Male: Be sad, play with video game for hours. If work is available, will bury life in work. Then go out with a group of guy friends, but never talk about the girl or the problem. Then maybe will seek a close male friend and tell him the story, but not in detail and definitely NOT while crying. If the subject isn’t even brought up, then none of the other male friends are allowed to bring up the subject. Then play more video games or sports because hell, that’s how problems are solved. |
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